Romance May Not Be the Answer after Loss


Maybe I should talk about him more.

The man who is now my husband.

Maybe I should tell you about how I fell in love.

Maybe I should talk about romance, dating and all the things that people confuse with true life reentry after loss.

Maybe it is a disservice to you that I never really talk about finding a partner again.

Maybe I should just join the thousands of authors that teach people how to date and how to find their perfect partner.

But I won’t.

I am happy there are so many books out there that help you with that part of life after loss.

Just not for this girl here.

It confuses everyone with the work that we are supposed to do after loss as a self, as an identity, as a whole human.

You see, when you do the work for yourself, you will stumble upon love.

Literally, stumble upon it.

When you put yourself outside of the Waiting room, finding a new friend, partner, lover is bound to happen as a result of the transformation you are experiencing.

The intention should not be to go and look for love after loss.

But to seek to bring yourself back to life.

Do you know how attractive it is when someone explores life again?

Tries new food.

Experiments with life.

Explores new places.

You will bring forth many new loves like this.

Not just one. Many.

New friends. New partners. New experiences.

Don’t focus on finding someone new to love. Focus on finding yourself. (Click to Tweet!)

And oh my goodness, you have no idea what happens then.

Your confidence.

Your sense of self. Your laughter.

You will radiate.

Plus you don’t want to attract someone who matches who you used to be because you won’t be that person for long.

Look for a new beautiful life.

And the people in that life will see you enter it and come and greet you.

For the record, I believe in second marriages and finding someone to love but it has nothing to do with life reentry. It is just a part of it.

People who make Life Reentry all about a new relationship risk their new identity.

Yup. They risk their self-discovery.

I am not saying don’t date.

Date but make this be just a part of your life reentry not the whole.

Make sure you make time for a million other things that have nothing to do with this new relationship.

I am going to create a visual for you.

Imagine your life before loss on your left-hand side.

Then, your life after loss on the right-hand side.

In the middle of the two lives is the Waiting Room.

The place we go to wait at first to heal and rest which is totally fine, but then we stay there so much longer.

And this next part I am about to share, I have never shared before.

There is a misconception that if only we find a new love we will be escorted out of the Waiting Room and into the new life that is waiting for us.

I need to be very clear about this.

A new romantic relationship can escort you out of the Waiting Room at first yes.

But if you don’t have any other reasons to leave the Waiting Room and this new person is the only thing that gets you out then what do you think happens?

You wait in the Waiting Room in between visits with them.

I am not saying this happens to everyone, but I have seen it happen often enough.

Then, one day let’s say this relationship ends.

The small pathway out of the Waiting Room ends too.

But if you had other Life Reentry pathways and experiences alongside it, things would have been different.

I guess what I am trying to tell you is I want independence for you.

And new friends.

And new hobbies.

And then I want new love.

And new fascinating and complicated identities.

Yes, complicated.

Because when you say yes to a whole self Life Reentry, oh dear friend, you get to be one heck of a person.

Loving but self-sufficient.

Beautiful but edgy.

Introverted but social.

Understanding but not a fool.

Patient but eager.

Gentle but bold. Oh so bold.

Conservative but…sexy. Yes. That’s right.

Still healing but alive. Alive. Alive. Alive.

Here’s to your gentle but bold Life Reentry,

Christina

P.S.The next Life Reentry class for those seeking to find their new identity after loss starts on Tuesday, September 12th. Join here.

The Next Life Reentry Practitioner/professional training starts in October. Apply here.

Comments

  1. Dearest Christina. I love that you are able to guide us through this unwanted period in our lives. You have helped me so much. I cannot express my gratitude to you enough. Today’s blog post has talked to me directly. I read your book last year and have tried to live your ideas. I have been successful at reengaging in life with friends, new experiences, even yoga!! Throughout my process, my husband was never far from my thoughts but I persisted in reengagement. In the last few months, there has a been a dramatic change in my life. I no longer felt lost and alone but I am joyful and in charge ofmy own life! I love myself and my life at this time! As a result, a man has appeared on my horizon! He has just told me that I am unforgettable and he can’t wait to see where our relationship is headed! I was blown away by his declaration and I can’t wait to experience this new period in my life! He is SO different from my husband but then again I am DEFINITELY not the person I was either! Oh Christina! Thank you is not enough! In fact, I say thank you to the universe many times a day now! Thank you from the bottom of my heart!

    • Christina I am seven years into this journey…after two relationships that didn’t work out, I did find myself a k in the waiting room…just as you described. I thought I was moving on and while I will give myself props for putting myself out there, it was with the wring intention. I was looking to replace the hole in my life. And now I see it can’t be replaced … I hope for a partner and love again, but I am great on my own either way! It is the happiest and most free I have felt in a long time!

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Christina Rasmussen

Welcome to the Message in a Bottle page, here you will find wisdom, truth and tools for you to start over. Make sure you sign up at the top to be sure to receive it in your inbox every Friday.