Brilliance in Dark Places


I am here in this beautiful place of peace and calm. This, despite the fact that just weeks ago my husband unexpectedly lost his job of twenty seven years. The major part of our income — gone in the blink of an eye. Of course, when he told me, I was shocked. However, instead of falling headfirst into a downward spiral of panic, I felt a deep sense of calm. It was as if I was surrounded by a divine cushion of Angelic support.

I knew, in that moment, that everything will be okay. I know I am ready and prepared. And thanks to the power I have reclaimed in the years since my sister’s suicide – I know I can help transform this loss into something truly amazing.

For me, that April Sunday, 1978, was like the tornado that lifted Dorothy from Kansas. I was propelled into a dissociative dream that would last for many years. I embarked upon a road that took me to the dark, scary places of illness, surgery, and self-destructive behaviors. And, just like Dorothy, I was fortunate to finally find my way back home.

In the end, it was the most challenging places that held the biggest gifts. @Marianbuckmur (Click to Tweet!)

Gifts which I would use to transform my life.

I was seventeen the day my sister died. It was the day I left my body. I saw her lying lifeless on the chilly April grass, moments after my father had pulled her from her car in our garage. I watched myself as I gave her mouth-to-mouth – a technique I had learned just the week before. I heard the sirens, and saw the ambulance as it took her away. I saw it all, but really, I wasn’t there. Something within me, and something beyond me, had come to protect me from my pain.

And so I went upon my way. I went to school the very next day. I believed I was okay, as did nearly everyone else. No one saw the magnitude of pain hiding deep inside me.

But slowly and surely it gnawed at me. Initially, it showed up as anxiety, insecurity, and guilt. So, I numbed it with extra booze, extra food, and loud parties. I was a teenager. I thought I was just acting (out) my age. And somehow, despite everything, I moved forward. I went to college, got married, and raised two beautiful daughters.

Eventually, of course, the temporary band-aid fixes ceased to mask my pain. On the tenth anniversary of my sister’s death, four months before my wedding, I came down with a strange auto-immune illness, much like lupus. It was the first in a series of illnesses, hospitalizations, and heart surgeries. And, even though there were times when I felt desperately hopeless, it was with the gifts from each experience that I finally healed.

For me, each illness showed me a compelling metaphor for the places ready for healing.

And finally, I understood what my body was telling me. So I used everything I found – prayer, books, healing foods and herbs, aromatherapy, Kundalini yoga, Rubenfeld Synergy, and EFT.  And with support from family, friends, teachers, healers, and divine Grace — I healed. I healed from traumatic stress. From auto-immune disease. From guilt, and shame, and anxiety. And most miraculously, my heart opened once again.

Through it all, I got the chance to see that each desperate situation fueled my transformation. With each challenge, I went deeper into myself, and emerged with new insight. When I allowed myself to accept my darkness, I was able to transform it, harnessing its power to break free of my pain.

I have reclaimed my brain, my heart, and my courage. I have come home. It’s exactly in this place of homecoming, that I am ready to tap into the power within me. The loss of my husband’s job has given me no choice but to truly BELIEVE in my own power. I know it has been here all along. It will serve us, as we move forward into new terrain.

I KNOW that in our darkest moments, brilliance abounds. I know it with every cell in my body. And as an EFT Practitioner and Transformational Health Guide, I now help my clients discover the brilliance within their own dark places. I am truly grateful for it all.

Image courtesy of Brian Wolfe.


2012_03_30_Buck-Murray-9722Marian Buck-Murray is a Certified EFT Practitioner and Nutrition Coach. She specializes in helping her clients release self-limiting beliefs, stress, pain, and anxiety. She is the creator of the 3-Step Transform Your Inner Critic With EFT process. You can find more information on her website or connect with her on Twitter, FB or LinkedIn.

*A Note from Christina:
I’m so excited to debut the Life Starter’s Blog Series. I have had the greatest honor and fortune of hearing your powerful stories of personal transformation and I wanted to share them all. Because I know that together we can help support, inspire and lift one another. Every Tuesday, we will proudly feature your stories. If you’d like to submit a post, please go here for guidelines and more info. Happy reading!

Comments

    • Thank you Karen. I’m so happy to share this. And, please share with anyone who might benefit from knowing that illness can be a beautiful metaphor for healing. <3

  1. This is such a beautifully written piece, and about such deep truths, too. The brilliance DOES emerge from the dark places, just as you said.

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Christina Rasmussen

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