Begin the melting process…

I didn’t know I could fall in love again.

After all, my heart was frozen.

My body was alive but my brain kept telling my body to shut down.

My mind declared a real war with my body and my heart.

“Shut down body. Shut down… you in mourning.”

My body was so confused.

It knew my heart was broken.

The body knew that it was experiencing immense pain after the loss of him.

You see the body kept pumping blood, kept staying alive.

And asking for more life, more love and more physical contact.

But how could I love again?

Feel alive again with someone else?

But the body does not think.

The body does not feel the guilt and shame of getting naked again. Yes I said it. Being naked with someone new, is not easy. 

The body does not know you are afraid to turn on the lights when you are being intimate again.

The body does not know that you are lying to yourself when you say “You want to know how to do this on your own first before you find someone new.”

The body is impulsive.

The body knows what it wants.

The only think that can stop it from going after it, is the heart.

The heart cries and prevents the body to experience love again.

So I need to ask you this question and you need to answer with as much honesty as possible.

Does your body want to love again?

Does your body want to be held again?

If the answer is no. You are lying to yourself. 🙂 

If the answer is yes. Thank you for taking the first step towards living again.

Now that you know the truth, are you allowing yourself physical contact by stepping out into the world?

Or are you at home watching TV, waiting for time to pass until one day you are magically going to feel ready?

To be honest if you wait too long your body will slowly stop asking.

It will slowly deactivate its natural needs and wants.

If that is what you want then go ahead.

But if you are like me who dreamed of a life full of companionship, laughter, and love once again then you will risk it all once again.

Your heart will be at war with your body at first.

But then it will slowly remember the beauty of love, intimacy and the physical experience we are here to have.

And it will surrender to it.

But the surrendering will take place after you allow your body to experience life.

I know what you are thinking…how can I even get out there.

I am older.

My body does not look good. Nobody will want me. I am ashamed to even admit this to my family, to my kids. What will people think of me.

What’s the point?

future

The point is that you are on this earth to have a physical heart centered experience and if your heart is still beating and you can stand on two feet, eat, drink and talk… you should also be able to have sex. Get intimate.

Fall in love like a teenager and laugh out loud while in bed with a new partner after sharing something that is meant to be shared amongst human beings.

And as for me…2 years after my loss I fell in love with someone new.

At first I was at war with my body.

I would go on a date and I would sit as far away from him as possible.

It would take me at least an hour to interrupt the war down within and ask for peace for

just a little while at first.

Once peace was within for a few moments my frozen heart will melt and if you could see me from afar you would see that sparkle back in my eyes for a few moments.

My body moving forward instead of leaning back and away.

Still timid but alive.

Still afraid but living.

Still frozen but melting BACK TO LIFE slowly…

I know this is hard but I opened up my heart even more for you today so you could start the melting process.

End the war with yourself. And stay as human as possible.

What do you need to do today so your body can continue to stay alive?

I want your truth.

With love,

Christina

www.secondfirsts.com

Comments

  1. This is beautiful. I struggle the same way since my divorce! It’s been since 2008 & I am just now grieving because we kept turning to each other for sex. Now he is dating and may be getting serious…..so now,I grieve everything. Thank you for your comforting words!!!

  2. Wow. So very timely… I’ve thought so many times how I miss being held. I miss someone laying next to me (not the 4 pillows I assemble around me in the bed to mimic that presence). I miss kisses and intimacy. I miss even holding hands! It’s been nearly two years. The crumbling of the marriage was so traumatic I’m terrified of being hurt again. I feel like I’m made of 200-year-old brittle glass that would just shatter. I’ve worked so hard to gain the peace I have in my life now, but it’s so very lonely at times. Would it sidetrack me from the personal growth and healing I need to do? I don’t know. I want to trust that I will find a genuine, mature, emotionally healthy and loving partner who is committed to his own growth – that the partnership would support rather than distract from the process.
    I’ve been thinking about this very issue (and have been enjoying the book!). Thank you for writing about this tonight.

  3. They say timing is everything, & your timing is perfect for this on the 30 days of Firsts. My husband died suddenly of a heart attack 19 months ago, I am 51. Talk about being scared that no one will want you at this age, with a fluffy body & extra curves! But, I also knew, that I wanted to LIVE again! That I was not done with living & with being with someone.

    I haven’t found that someone, yet, but I have found someone that helped me find a part of me that had died, the part of being sexy. I threw out all my lingerie & pretty bras when Larry died. They had been for him, & I didn’t want to be with anyone else. But this special man, he made me FEEL like a woman again! I went out & bought those sexy bras & panties, even if no one else sees them, it reminds me that I AM alive & have a life ahead of me. That I want to be held & loved & kissed, and that there will be a man for me that wants the same thing.
    This friendship with special man may not go anywhere, but it has brought me back from nowhere, & I hope it takes me somewhere special.

  4. It has been almost two years since David passed away and I still miss him terribly. Recently met a man that is smitten and is being very patient with me. I keep telling him, no kissing and only lite hugging – and that is because i am so ready to have an intimate relationship but am afraid of betraying David.
    I’m not sure that this man is the “one” and since I’m in my late 60 ‘ s don’t want to sleep around. How do I deal with this?

  5. Thanks Christina. I know that I don’t want to be alone for the rest of my life. I’m 55 and Rick’s only been gone for 5 months. I entertain the thought of finding love again one day and hope my children will be supportive if I do.

  6. Such a timely message. Last night I made exquisite love for the first time in a year, since my husband died. I have been very lucky to rekindle love with a man I knew very well over 40 years ago. I feel reborn and able to look to the future. Thank you for you emails.

  7. Love this, it is so true, I lost my husband 5 and a half years ago, was married for 43 years, and I agree with everything Christina says, we do need to feel again it will be different, but being close to another is what we are all about. It wasent easy but I also found someone, and I am so happy I am not alone. Not that I couldnt be on my own, but I love feeling again, and being in love, and being loved. So it is truly possible my friends, you just have to go out there and you have to want it. Good luck, God bless. And thank you Christina for all these wonderful articles they are all so true and so meaningful

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Christina Rasmussen

Welcome to the Message in a Bottle page, here you will find wisdom, truth and tools for you to start over. Make sure you sign up at the top to be sure to receive it in your inbox every Friday.