You have always been the storm

My heart was beating almost as if it was everywhere. Not just inside my chest. But inside the two hundred and fifty humans that were waiting to hear me speak. It was on the walls of the conference room. Inside the mic on my blouse. On the stage. Like a storm of heartbeats. That is how scared I was. I walked towards the stage. I started to speak. Word after word. Step after step. I…

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I Stopped Internally Combusting

I stopped it. It was only for a few seconds. A few seconds not being who I had been. The stop, crushed me. The interruption of who I was, brought on panic. I interrupted the force that had kept me going. The engine I installed inside my brain to keep me from losing my mind after loss, was for a few seconds silenced. Void. I started the engine back again, immediately. But these seconds were enough…

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Endings

It was not like any other day. Something was in the air. A heaviness, with no name. A knowing. A goodbye. An Ending. A full stop. And it was known. Nothing could prevent it. Nothing at all. It was coming. Like all endings do. The Ending arrived quietly. Almost like a whisper. “I am here, and I need to end this.” It murmured. “But why do you have to be here Ending?” I asked. “Can’t we have a new…

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Don’t Stand At The Door

I search and search and search. Behind every word I say. After every new decision. I seek to find myself, the self that lives underneath the rubble. Under the invisible losses. And hiding, still. Sometimes I wonder if I lost her completely. But as soon as I do, I see her. I hear her. I feel her presence. She is still there. Standing tall. Waiting for her emergence. You see there is a…

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There is Someone Living in my Attic

Whenever I want to give up, I think of the bold words of Ralph Waldo Emerson “God will not have his work made manifest by cowards” And I want to scream. I am not a coward, God. I am not a coward. I will keep going. Keep knocking on doors. Keep doing the work. Keep making a fool of myself. Falling. Hurting. And I won’t give up. Not even when my legs don’t want to move. Not even when my…

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Miracles are real

I think magic is real. More real than your table. The chair. Your coffee too. Miracles are real too. Science proves it. Religion talks about it. Sometimes loss takes away our belief in miracles. It tells us that the only real things are the things we can see. Touch. Hear. Everything else must not exist. Since it cannot be seen. I still think magic is real even though it doesn’t look…

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No More Lies After Loss

‘The Life we live, is the lesson we teach’ my friend Jim Kwik mentioned in one of his writings. I read it just before I was going to sit down and write to you. And it hit me. The life I live. Is the lesson I teach. Thank you Jim, for putting it so simply. As it allowed me to come clean with myself. And you might be wondering, what does this have to do with loss? Everything. Really,…

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There is no candy hanging on your alarm clock.

I am approaching the next year with sadness. But not the type of sadness that can be labeled. Not the type of sadness that most therapists would call depression. It is not like that. I know your sadness is not like that, either. The type of sadness that I feel is not easily articulated in human words. It feels like my whole body is crying. Not just my eyes. It starts with being tired. With…

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Give This Letter to the People Who Invite You Over During the Holidays

What do you say to someone who lost the love of their life and they have to go through the Holiday season on their own? What? What do you say to them? You don’t say I am sorry. You don’t just invite them to mindless dinners. You don’t ask them how can I help. And please don’t assume that because they are with you and not alone at home they must be better off. That you have done what you…

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How to Make Trees

What does it mean to feel your feelings and be with them? Hold them. Hold them as if it is not too much for you. As if there is a tiny lake surrounded by beautiful woods and valleys. I want my feelings, to feel this way. Like a lake surrounded by a forest. I don’t like to feel like the ocean. I don’t like waves. Or emotions that feel infinite. I feel lost then. Like I have forgotten how…

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