Do Whatever it Takes to Get Through This

“Do whatever you have to, to get through the pain after I am gone.” my husband said to me a few months before he died. “Whatever it takes.” he said. “It doesn’t matter what it is you have to do, if it makes you feel better then do it.” I didn’t always follow his advice but it did help me feel less guilt when my choices after loss were not perfect. When we lose someone we love, it hurts like…

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What is the Meaning of Home After Loss

I have been writing about life after loss for almost 8 years and it just hit me today. After loss, tragic loss especially, the feeling of home is hard to find. You never feel at home again. You move houses. You look for new beginnings but nothing is quite like the home feeling you had before the loss. When you felt like you belonged. When everyone was yours. And you were theirs. I don’t talk…

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The Monkey Bars

It’s not a dance. Or a musical piece. And it’s not a walk on the beach. It’s a bruise. A gasp. A torture. I am talking about life. Not even after loss, just life. I think the first time I realized life was hard was when this girl at my middle school grabbed me from the monkey bars and threw me on the ground. Nobody rushed over to help me up. Nobody told off the girl. Everyone kind of…

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60 Selves and Counting

It has been 12 years. He passed 2:00 am EST on July 21st 2006. If I could count all the selves I have been since that night I would probably count at least 60. The first 4 came in and out really fast. I will tell you about them later on. There were 40 or so the first 3 years. Then 4 every year for the next 2 years, one every 3 months or so. After the first 5 years I evolved a little slower…

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The Blades

I often think about kneeling on the ground to pray. I don’t do it. But I have the feeling of it. It’s hard to be strong all the time. Knowing that nobody can help you. People who are strong, are strong endlessly. I have never met someone who was strong for a few days and then wasn’t. Have you? Once you are strong, you are strong forever. How does strength feel?  It hurts like hell. (Click…

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The Permanence of NEVER

I wasn’t a writer before he died. But grief turned out to be the great word maker. A great obliterator. It shook me to get these words out. When grief found me inconsolable it gave me a pen and said write your way out, console yourself. Get yourself beyond the insanity. (Click to tweet!) But I didn’t write anything the first 4 years. I had a diary, and wrote some of these words there. But…

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Life After Loss Spins You Around Like a Tornado

I was having dinner with a good friend the other night and I was sharing a few more thoughts that I usually share and it hit me. It just literally hit me over the head. I had stopped sharing my personal thoughts and feelings with others. I was used to sharing the superficial self. After the dinner I was trying to figure out when did that start happening? And why. It has been happening for…

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Honestly, Life After Loss Feels Like Boot Camp

You can be with as many people as possible but the you inside of you, is alone. You experience everything as one. Every emotion is not felt through you as a group or as a family. Even if everyone feels the same grief or fear, it is not felt together. The emotion doesn’t get shared. The load can only be carried by you. The grief can only be processed by your heart. It is you that has to get…

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The Ladybird On Your Hand

I was on the train last night going in to the city to celebrate my friend’s new book, and the ride felt unnaturally long. It was as if we were traveling thousands of miles. I have been on that train many times. The 30 minutes go by so fast normally, but not last night. It was almost as if I had stepped outside of my life. Outside of everything. The struggle. The hurry. The pursuit of…

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We Walked on the Edge

It’s like the side of your foot doesn’t have anywhere to rest on. You can’t stand still when you are on there. There is no space to. It is as if you can lose it all. It is the all or nothing arena. You feel like throwing up just before you step on it. Sleep is unachievable. And that foot never gets to have a whole area under it. I am talking about what it feels like to step on the edge.…

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