The Outside Heart

If someone painted me, they would have to paint my heart outside of my chest. It is hanging there, feeling, experiencing. My heart processes everything first. Then it gives it to my head. Most of the time my heart takes things very personally. It goes into a heartbreaking position. I have been trying to get Read More

Loss of Connection Does Not Mean Loss of Love

It is in the gathering of our family and friends that we see ourselves. It is at the dinner table and the get togethers that we realize we are not alike. It is then, when you learn the most about yourself. You learn that you have changed. You observe that you are not as alike Read More

The Glue Under Your Feet

It may seem unending. Your shoulders, shuddering. The day, unyielding. But did you know you can bear the loss? It may be easier for me to talk to the people who are just feeling a little down today. It is easier to lift them up. But I am not talking to them. I am talking Read More

It Found You Crying in Front of the TV

I don’t know how it comes back, but it does. It comes knocking on your door. Even though you can barely notice it at first. I am talking about the feeling of wanting to live again. I know you never thought it would come back. You didn’t believe it could find you. But it did. Read More

Grief Woke Me Up and Now I Can’t Go Back to Sleep

I was completely blind before loss. Actually no, not blind. Hypnotized. Going about my day, as a wife, mother of toddlers, friendly neighbor, you know the rest. Living but not really living. And even after loss, I tried to go back to the hypnosis. Get the job I should be getting. Have people over for Read More

Don’t Ask Me How Long Grief Lasts

“How long does grief last?” Someone asked me the other day. “You still write about it Christina, 11 years later. Are you still grieving?” I don’t know, but something happens to me when I am asked these questions. I want to start laughing out loud. You know that ironic laughter, that insinuates that this is Read More

Have You Been Afraid of Your Next Self?

It feels quiet. Listening to Billie Holiday, I’ll be seeing you. A few days away from finishing my next book, Where did you go? The book I have been afraid to write but found the courage to do so. I found this place, outside of this world we live in, and took everyone there. Risking Read More

Your Small Bathroom Window

I grew these last few weeks. And it hurt. It felt as if my skin stretched beyond what it could. Growth is like another person is trying to come through you and it is not as natural as birth. It feels wrong. It feels as if you are sick. My hair’s falling out. My tooth Read More

I Still Dream about Being Rescued

I’ve always dreamed about someone coming to rescue me. Last night in my dream, I saw myself on the ground trying to stand up and a stranger came over to help me. It felt so good to have this stranger grab my hand and guide me to another path one that I could not find Read More

With or Without You

Today I just want to have a chat. As if we were sitting across from each other at a cafe watching the waves. I would just listen at first. You would tell me how hard life has been since the loss. I would listen some more. Until the tears came, until you sobbed. Until you Read More

Christina Rasmussen

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