Walking Around With Miles Of Canyon

I don’t think others know.  They can’t see the depth.  The vastness.  It is the shock we feel when we visit the Grand Canyon for the first time.  You can’t imagine it unless you see it.  Grief is the same way.  Words. Photos.  Can’t even begin to describe how big it is.  You and I carry the Grand Canyon inside of us.  It is born when someone we love dies.  The physical world can’t quite grasp the…

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0 Comments9 Minutes

Grief’s Tomorrowland

It is the future that we are afraid of the most, when someone we love dies.  We are afraid of tomorrow.  Tomorrow becomes the most scary monster of all.  You see, grief owns a big mansion inside your tomorrow.  She has three pool houses.  A few gardeners, boats and fancy cars. And is sending you invitations to her big house every day.  She has this smirk on her face while she is inviting you.…

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0 Comments11 Minutes

20 Unconventional Books For Those Who Are Grieving

Let me start by saying the list below is not what you would expect.  I am not a conventional grief expert.  I wrote both of my books Second Firsts and Where Did You Go? seeking to find a voice that resonated with my kind of broken heart.  The kind that needed answers. And a plan.  I could not relate to the words that were shared in traditional grief books.  Words like bereavement. Grief. Widow.…

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1 Comment38 Minutes

How To Cross The Street In 2020 And Other Lessons

I know you want to believe in a better decade.  One that won’t break your heart.  One that will only bring you joy and love.  One that will redefine you.  Bring you good people who understand you.  Possibly a new love or two.  Money. Luck. And less grief.  I want all of this too.  But what if there was a different way to look at the new decade or the new year.  What if there was another way to…

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9 Comments15 Minutes

My Evening With Robert Redford

The ice-cold evening froze my feet as I was making my way to my 7:00pm appointment.  The grass was stiffened with snow bursts on it.  It was chilly.  A December night that sounded quiet as I walked from my hotel room to the spa within the property.  We had never been to Santa Fe New Mexico before.  The hotel was situated just 20 minutes outside the city.  The glacial like air I was breathing in…

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1 Comment11 Minutes

The Visit on December 25th

I am afraid of a thousand things.  Afraid of losing love.  More people.  Moments that will never come back.  Experiences that I will never have again.  I grieve a thousand things every day.  My wiser self wants to go back in time and witness everything from this self.  The me that is here now.  I even want to go back to my very first Holidays in deep grief.  I want to visit with myself and just…

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2 Comments11 Minutes

Nobody Said Anything About The Physical Pain Of Grief

Nobody ever said anything about the physical pain of grief.  The nausea. The breathlessness.  The stiffness of the body.  The ache at the back of the neck.  The panic attacks that feel like a heart attack.  The insomnia.  The cold hands. The dizziness.  For me, grief was always very physical.  And it was the biggest surprise of all.  I knew I would be broken hearted, but I didn’t know my body…

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32 Comments8 Minutes

Go Back To The Battleground To Save Your Life

I had a mammogram scheduled this week, and I wasn’t just dreading it.  I was petrified of it.  And this was not the only time I felt terror for a simple test.  I spent months coughing over the summer and I avoided every X ray I was offered.  You see, when you spend years as a caregiver seeing death, destruction and lives completely changed through disease you are terrified of a simple diagnostic…

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0 Comments5 Minutes

A Melody And Not A Jingle

It’s the smell of food being made.  The lights on the decorated trees.  All, reminders of a life. That is no longer ours.  The ghost life.  On days such as today, we get thrown into a life that no longer exists for us,  but we are forced to see it on others.  People who have not experienced tragedy can’t possibly know that when they invite us to their beautifully decorated homes with the 5 course…

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2 Comments6 Minutes

Will You Come And Sit With Me?

It’s heavy in there, isn’t it?  It is as if you are carrying a whole arena.  One, no one can see.  No witness to it.  Even you, you are blinded to your own hurt.  The heaviness, steals the words you wish you could utter.  There is something about the weight of it, that can mask your voice.  When we have not named our pain it feels less real.  The less real it is, the heavier it feels. The less…

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2 Comments6 Minutes