The Glue Under Your Feet


It may seem unending.

Your shoulders, shuddering.

The day, unyielding.

But did you know you can bear the loss?

It may be easier for me to talk to the people who are just feeling a little down today.

It is easier to lift them up.

But I am not talking to them.

I am talking to the ones who had something very cataclysmic happen.

Something that feels even absurd to consider carrying forward. It is that tragic.

Something you can’t ever change.

To the person who lost their teenage son.

To the person who lost all members of the family, and you are the only one left.

To the person who got diagnosed with an incurable disease and told that they will soon pass.

To the caregivers of the world who stand by watching them pass.

To those physically and mentally beat up that they want to close their eyes and never open them again.

Yes, I know some of you will stop reading here.

Because this does not pertain to you.

For those of you who continue to read, I am sorry that life has given you such sorrow. Unimaginable sorrow.

When I experienced tragedy the first time I thought my grief could stop the earth from turning.

The sun from rising.

Yet, it didn’t.

It didn’t even stop the bus from its daily route.

It stopped nothing but my own life.

This is how I know how you feel.

But I also know that there is a way out of this helplessness.

It feels as if your feet are glued to the ground.

And you can’t move them.

You might be considering even staying here, on top of this glued space.

And I don’t blame you.

Why try? Why bother with life if it hurts you so much?

Maybe this glue under your feet is not as bad.

But the glue is not meant for you. It is not meant for your feet even.

When you peek at it you see the pain in the glue. The stuckness.

Your brain sees it as glue because it is too painful to see it as pain.

Your eyes do the same thing.

They can’t look at the sorrow without losing sight.

Today we will go beyond the glue, beyond the insurmountable pain beyond the loss of everything. To find the one thing that remains even after tragedy. Your soul.

The you inside the you. The witness.

That witness cannot be glued in one place. And yes, it understands how the pain stops you from moving forward. But it is a force. A beam of light.

More infinite than the universe.

And completely and utterly unglued from the suffering.

Find your way there.

The you inside the you is even more yours than the glued you, the broken you.

You are unbroken, unglued and utterly surprising. Like finding a new earth-like planet. Like that. Yes, just like that. Impossible to find, but surprisingly there. (Click to Tweet!)

In simpler words, tragedy cannot destroy the witness of you.

It can only destroy the you that is being witnessed.

And you know what else, this letter is being read by the witness just so you know.

I call her the Watcher….always watching, witnessing, helping me unglue myself.

You have the same one inside.

With many witnesses,

Christina

P.S. Make sure you have the book 🙂

Comments

  1. It’s only been three months since I lost my husband. I miss him terribly, but I am starting to feel a little more like me, thanks to your wonderful book, Second Firsts. The way I describe the glue is “quicksand”. I wanted to function, to focus and to do all that I used to do, but it was like I was stuck in quicksand. It is loosening a little each day and I am stepping into my next life a little at a time.

  2. After my mom died, in 1993, I know I lost the best friend in the entire world. Then the loss of her parents, the loss of my Dad, who had just gotten involved with me, then the loss of his mom,my grandmother who I loved so very much.. Then in 2006, the loss of my multi-handicapped brother, David. He was my heart and soul since my mom adopted him. After my mom’s death I lived and breathed for David. When he was sick I held him and I would get his fever as his would go down. I would get his severe pains in his stomach as his would subside. The doctors said he would not see his first birthday, yet, he walked on this earth for 25 years. I could not heal him completely he needed surgery and at his hospital stay he was neglected and fell out of bed and broke his hip, second surgery, then caught phnemonia. I could not save him from drowning..I tried so hard to make him better. Took him out of hospital before they did anymore damage and I FAILED HIM!! I then knew I lost my heart and soul. Had no choice I had to go on I had to care for my younger adopted brother who was autistic.. He saw David die in their room. Till this day he cries for David everyday. Says he hears David when he goes to sleep and closes his eyes. I tell him he is very lucky and to tell David I love him and say Hi!!! Then I lost my other younger brother, due to his drug use… Then my ex finds this beautiful little kitten glowing in the dark against the full moon–since he glowed we called him FLO, short for floresceinst (don;t mind my spelling, brain not working just right. I raised Flo like my son. He knew when I needed him without any words. he was always there. He made me believe I could love again.. so.. I wound up taking in 9 other feral cats and kittens in the next 9 years. Flo was always there my best friend, the love of my life. I told him 10x’s a day that we were going to get married and walk down the beach or in the woods together. He always walked on a leash with me… My amazing boy understood everything said to him. Only 9 years old and I thought he was upset for me taking in the last 2 cats. He started hiding from me.. not responding to his name. I took him to the vet telling them he was depressed.. They examined him and told me Oh honey I am so sorry to tell you but Flo has Cancer of his spleen. He died the day I decided to bring him back to put him to sleep. I purchased a HOME for us to walk in the woods with a lake to walk the beaches together. He died before seeing it..And I had to move away with only his ashes to put on my mantle. So now I sit here with my brother and my 7 cats.. had to leave 2 back with my ex(my little Frankie was deaf and didn’t want to leave his room and my little Louie was constantly being beaten up by the others. I want to flip the table over!! I want to scream and never stop!!!! Stop taking those I love away from me. I wait everyday for one of my other fur-babies to die or get hurt. Feel like I am no good for my brother.. Lose my patience a lot and wonder if he would be better off without me… I am glued firmly to feeling not good enough to be loved and when I find it—it leaves one way or the other–Heart and Soul are glued to Death and being left to be alone… 4 ever–

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Christina Rasmussen

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