I grew these last few weeks.
And it hurt.
It felt as if my skin stretched beyond what it could.
Growth is like another person is trying to come through you and it is not as natural as birth.
It feels wrong.
It feels as if you are sick.
My hair’s falling out.
My tooth broke last week.
I hit my feet on corners.
I am coughing. For a whole month now.
My whole body is screaming, no more growth.
No more, walking on the edge.
No more new things. No more reentering.
Go back to your waiting room.
Go back to the smallness of your room.
Oh, how I love my bed.
How I love not growing.
How I love the familiar. The routine.
The only thing I like to change… is my hair. Everything else breaks me for a while. (Click to Tweet!)
And I try to get used to my broken pieces being everywhere while the new person is coming through.
Not an easy time.
And all this emerging and growth takes forever. Like forever.
Being in pieces for that long is not easy and you wake up every day wanting to give up the growth. Give up all this reentry and go back to the familiar self.
And then at the most perfect moment in the midst of full-blown breaking, I stumbled upon these words.
“When you are tired don’t give up, just rest.”
So I went to bed last night earlier than normal.
Without guilt. I slept. I rested.
And when I woke up this morning my growth wasn’t hurting as much as before.
I didn’t feel broken up, just simply in reentry mode.
Shaken but at peace.
Hurting but with bandaids.
My hair is still falling out but I’m getting a new shorter cut next week.
I want you to know that growth hurts. It hurts a lot.
That is why most people don’t grow.
Don’t be one of them. Let yourself break.
Just make sure you get some rest when everything feels like it’s too much.
And go visit the doctor.
I had a mammogram yesterday and I have a full physical next week.
When you are in the midst of true life reentry your body will try to keep you behind.
Your fears will then go on overdrive.
Know that all this is, is your new identity trying to come through.
I wish she could just come to the front door and ring the bell.
But it is not how change shows up. Is it now?
Instead, she will try to come through that small window in the bathroom.
With life and small bathroom windows,
P.S. Make sure you have the book.