It is hard.
So deeply hard that it’s as if the furniture in your house can hurt your body.
As if the rug under your feet scratches you as you walk on it.
The TV playing in the background sounds like a long commercial.
Your clothes feel not yours.
You bump into everything.
The middle of the night is so long that you can almost feel time walking by in slow motion.
Even your cup of coffee is not right.
And that is the one thing you have always been able to count on.
You are running late but somehow that doesn’t hurt you as much as being inside this reality.
This existence of losing everything you ever loved.
Even though the bed is still there.
The windows still let the sun in every morning.
The birds sing the same songs.
And you look the same.
Exactly the same.
Your hair falls the same on your tired face.
Your hands look like they always did.
The trees outside still hover up top.
And everything you are going through is invisible.
But if it was seen it would destroy this old life.
Including the songs the birds sing.
Instead, it destroys everything inside of you.
There is only one way to stop the pain of loss.
Making it visible.
Taking it from the inside and adding it to the world you live in.
Making something out of it.
But don’t ever let it destroy the inside of you.
By keeping everything on the outside the same.
You have lost so much.
Don’t keep your bed in the same space.
Whatever life you had in that house is no longer yours.
Going back to the same house every day is torture.
Change your wardrobe.
The clothes you wore in your old life cannot help you find your way to the new you.
Don’t worry your memories of the people you lost won’t go with the house, the wardrobe, the bed, they stay with you.
Wherever you go there they are.
You keep the memories.
You shed the things that belonged to the life you lost.
Start with the bed. Move it. Then go to your hair. Change it.
And if you feel a little more daring today call your realtor.
Oh boy, I hear them all.
The people in your life trying to stop you from changing too many things.
“Now you don’t want to rush things. They tell you to wait the first year out.”
Listen to me, you have lost your whole world.
You have lost more than you can ever imagine.
Selling your house won’t ever be as hard or as painful as what you just went through.
Whoever said wait the first year must not have lost the love of their life.
Or their identity. Or their children.
Wait for what?
So we can let the walls close us in?
Don’t let anyone tell you it’s too soon.
And if they do, look them in the eyes and say ‘yes it was too soon for me to lose the love of my life. This…little change well, this is long overdue darling.’
With many houses, and many lives,
PS. If you are a grief professional or someone who wants to help others reenter life after loss make sure you apply for the fall training HERE.