Breaking and Mending 11 Years Later…


I get mad at myself when I am afraid.

How dare I feel fear?

How do I even have the right to complain?

I get to live.

He didn’t.

He was the one who climbed the mountains for fun.

He was the one who jumped in the cold water of the ocean.

But I was the one who got to stay.

And he had to leave.

Today is 11 years since his passing and I am going to make this day about leaping forward.

Leaping out of the confines of self-worry and self-pity.

Finding my courage and living in there.

I am going to get used to being courageous.

So God, if you are hearing this I want you to know that I am no longer going to take the back seat on the bus or say no to opportunities.

I am going to jump when I am afraid.

Speak when I would rather not.

Step on stage when I want to be in the audience.

Show up when I want to hide.

Love when I want to feel nothing.

Get messy.

Learn more from you.

Write like this is my last day.

Live as if nothing scares me.

Sometimes I wonder why you chose me to write this letter the last 7 years.

These books.

To travel for 11 years to here.

I wondered about that.

And then I realized you needed someone who would take on the homework after tragedy.

Do the homework.

Share the homework.

Break themselves. Mend themselves.

Break themselves again.

And stand half broken and half mended.

Still willing to write. To speak. To heal.

And willing to break again.

You wanted someone like that.

You knew I would find my truth inside the fear, inside the mending from the breaking.

And I would not run away even if I wanted to.

You knew all of this then, 11 years ago.

You knew I would not break completely.

You were there then but I couldn’t see you.

And I know he is right there with you. Inside the Universe.

I know 11 years where you are is nothing like it is here.

But you know I have been finding my way inside the universe too.

You were right I could do this.

You knew all along.

And now I know too.

Now I am going to turn around and speak to you, the person reading this letter.

The chosen one.

I see you. I see your fears.

Your breaking heart.

And right next to it, I see your courage.

I see you have been doing your own homework.

Don’t stop.

It is in the midst of the breaking and mending that we run into our deepest truths. (Click to Tweet!)

That is when we find ourselves inside the universe.

With the one who always knew we would find our way back.

With love to last an eternity,

Christina

Comments

  1. We share the same Angelversary… although mine is only three years –

    I always enjoy reading your posts, email, etc. Your words helped bring me out of the waiting room and learn to live in my new life, my future ♥

  2. Thank you so much again for your words. Next Thursday 2 years ago my darling left me. And o yes, there are still so many times I am afraid, I worry a lot, don’t dare to do simple things, like calling people, making appointments etc. I want to start my own photograph business, but then I’m afraid, I won’t succeed, don’t know how to do it etc etc. And then all suddenly I feel so sad and miss my hubby so much. I found a new love but he lives not in the neighborhood, so we don’t see each other as much as we want to. I want to start my new life but there are times I just feel like giving up. And then again I’m angry at myself that I feel that way. But today, after reading your Message in a Bottle it gives me a little bit hope again. You do a wonderful job Christina. Hope someday I can also be an inspiration for other people. Love Angela

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Christina Rasmussen

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