Something just doesn’t feel right.
You don’t want to go outside.
Talk to friends.
Clean your kitchen. Hang your clothes up.
You just want to do nothing.
Don’t resist that feeling.
No matter what expectations await you.
No matter the responsibilities.
The promises. The job. The kids. The laundry.
Listen. Take the day off.
Find a way to stay home. And be with yourself.
Yourself needs you. Needs quiet time.
Needs time to cry.
It took me years to figure this out and take the day to myself.
I am writing this letter from my bed instead of from my desk. No makeup.
No dressing up for anything and anyone.
My to do list is massive, but there was a moment that took place this morning and I heard it.
The moment whispered in its most quiet voice “you need a slower day” and I paused.
You need to be with yourself and in the quiet. And I listened.
I never used to. Like never.
I used to run.
Run like I was being chased.
And I was chased by my pain and sorrow.
I worked hard so I didn’t have to think.
As a matter of fact, when I went back to work after my loss I remember feeling less sad even though I hated the job.
My mind was occupied elsewhere.
I couldn’t cry all day long anymore.
Too many people around.
But then my brain got used to hard work and running away.
It took me many years to notice what I was doing.
Staying too busy is like running away from the one thing that has no shortcuts. Grief.
If you want to get better don’t shower for a day and cry.
Then wake up the next day and slowly reenter your life. Repeat when necessary.
Your homework is to take a day to yourself, close the blinds, turn off your phone and lock the door.
Get under the covers and stay there until the sun rises. The freedom to do that will heal your life faster than any therapy could.
I wish someone found a way to convince me of that a long time ago. But as they say, it’s better late than never.