At first, I could not eat any food.
I could not even smell it.
I felt nauseous and my body had almost shut down digestion.
No appetite. No remembering to eat.
I dropped down to 116 pounds and I didn’t realize it.
I looked in the mirror and I didn’t recognize myself.
My body did not want to live anymore and it was making it clear to me.
As time went by, I slowly started to eat again.
But what I didn’t know then was that my body was so used to not getting any food that when it did, it held onto it for dear life, in case it had to go through grief again.
It almost forgot how to do digestion.
The truth I didn’t know then was that my physical system was messed up by grief.
It took me years and many wrong turns to be on the road to recovery for my body too.
Finally, I am at a place where I am at peace with how my body dealt with loss.
I learned a few things the hard way.
It takes months to even years of unlearning processing food for survival. To finally processing food for thriving and nourishing.
Your body is grieving too.
It is trying hard to survive.
But it can’t speak. It can’t cry.
That is why it has high levels of cortisol and inflammation.
This is the body’s feelings after loss.
I am a little angry at my doctor who never said anything about this.
Never explained to me that I had to keep the body away from living in the duality I lived in.
Nobody told me about this part of loss when I needed to know.
Now I know. Now you know. And now we can choose differently.
These are the things I wish my doctor told me after my loss.
- Find someone to hold you accountable when it comes to what you eat every day.
- Know that it will be harder for you to do this than it is for people who have not been through what you have. Your body is used to grieving not living. It is used to holding on not letting go.
- Move every day as if your life depends on it. It does.
- When you are craving something have some nuts.
- Drink coffee. It’s not bad for you. Unless you are a tea person. Then drink tea.
- When you feel hungry too soon know that you are thirsty.
- You are worthy of a body that can digest well again.
- The more stress you have in your day the more your body will keep the food for itself.
- Your body needs to be told with food that you are on your way to recovery.
Just start here.
And forgive yourself when you have a day where you forget all of the above. It will happen.
It happened to me yesterday.
Then I had to find my way back to forgiveness and begin the journey again.
With love for my body,