I miss my youth, my innocence, the sense that life is unending.
You see those days bad things only happened in the movies.
Or to other people.
I was living life in an immortal vibe where you felt timeless.
Your mind was occupied with what your friends said or did.
Where to go to college, who to marry, have kids.
Health had certainty.
You had energy you didn’t know how to use.
But this life that belonged to us and still belongs to others is not without an expiration date.
Something happens that takes us out of this experience.
If I was asked to do a drawing of grief I would draw a big door and I would put it in the midst of this timeless life we were living.
We all walk out of that state of living.
We then define our old life as HAPPY and our new life as SAD.
Our minds tell us that we need to find a way back to the old happy life.
The innocence, the dinner parties, the timelessness of the soul.
The falling in love.
The trivial concerns of the weather, the friends and the everyday life without the door I call grief. But no matter how we try we can never go back.
That door opens one way.
It doesn’t ever let anyone back in.
And this is where everyone gets stuck.
They keep trying to find a way back to that kind of life.
The only way you could ever go back to that state is if you are reborn.
And I don’t mean it metaphorically.
When I found myself outside of that door I tried for years to get back in there.
The door never opened for me. And believe me I tried.
As the years went by I thought to myself there had to be another way.
So instead of waiting outside the door I started trying out new experiences.
I discovered that the only way towards a life worth living would have to include a new definition of happiness.
I used to think that happiness was being married, in love.
I now think that happiness is watching the sunrise, helping people, writing every day and finding alone time so I can learn more things.
Happiness for me is growth as a human.
Happiness is getting to know everything I can about space.
Happiness is music.
Happiness is helping someone who thinks they have no hope.
Happiness is being present.
I get so happy when I write fiction.
The girl who was happy when she was in love in that timeless traditional life is not here. She died when she went through the door.
You could say I lived two lives in one. I had two personalities.
Two set of dreams for the future. Two kinds of happy.
And I have to admit something to you.
This happy, the happy that was not given to me by circumstances,
the happy I had to find for myself feels so much more like the real me.
I am not only grateful that I had the chance to discover this Christina but that I am here to help you discover your new happy.
There is someone within you that is waiting to be discovered.
The only way to discover who this someone is, is by starting life again.
And start with something you have never done before.
You must start from there.
It would be the biggest loss of all.
Homework for this week: What will you do that you have never done before?