When I woke in my bed in the dark I had a knowing that there will be many dark nights ahead.
Nights dark beyond black.
Nights dark beyond the deepest of the dark.
Like the inside of the ocean.
Like space but darker.
That’s what it’s like to be awakened by grief.
And when one morning it was light enough to walk away from this darkness… fear held me down.
Fear held me prisoner longer than grief did.
It wasn’t so much the darkness that fear brought along, but the scary monsters of the future it told me about.
Nobody said anything about fear after grief.
No book. No person. No friend.
Nobody spoke of it.
And I thought I was the only person afraid to step out of the darkness.
I believed I was the only coward.
And I didn’t tell a soul of my scary monsters that kept me up at night.
Not a soul.
Now I am telling you, every person reading this letter should know that I was also afraid.
Real fear or made up fear is still fear.
I slept with every light on but darkness would not leave.
My house was the brightest house in the neighborhood but with the darkest rooms.
Especially my room.
My grief made it black, my fear locked the doors and I kept the keys.
I started unlocking my door not because I was less afraid, but because I knew my kids did not want their mom to live in the darkness.
I am not going to lie to you, I didn’t do it for me…I did it for them.
At first I would unlock and open the door and just sit there watching life go by.
Watching my kids play.
People living their lives, going to their jobs, living their dreams.
And that was a big step.
Watching life. Watching my kids. Watching myself wait to go and live.
That is when my watcher self was activated.
The wise part of me that had seen everything that has taken place so far.
The watcher was also watching me trying to let go of my grief and fear.
I knew she knew how it can be done.
She knew me more than anyone in this world.
It’s because of my watcher that I am now free.
I guided myself out of that door and back into life.
Your homework for this week is to unlock your doors and start watching your life from the place in you that knows you the best.
Ask your Watcher to tell you what you need to do for that first step out of your grief.
YOU HAVE THE ANSWER. You have the first step figured out. And remember always start small.
With my watcher,
P.S. We already have 100 students in our Coffee with Christina Video Class which starts Sept 15th. We will be activating The Watcher of every participant early on. And yes, this class is not your typical class. But nothing is typical in our tribe. We seek life after death and divorce in untraditional ways. We master the art of life reentry. We master ourselves. Register here.