It has felt that grief has haunted my soul over the last ten years.
And maybe not in the way you would think.
I feel like there is no place to rest my spirit.
There is no place to just be.
There is no place to just giggle.
There is no place to put my soul, without creating depth and analyzing every aspect of life.
There is no place to be like I was before loss.
Remember the times you used to be mad about nothing important?
About silly arguments, a messy house and uncooked dinner?
You know those silly little things life used to offer you every day?
The kind that used to drive you crazy in the morning, but by noon you had forgotten all about. Because they were silly.
I realized that often I am envious of the people I can hear in cafes or during my hikes talk about all that silly regular stuff.
Like the weather.
Or just everyday life.
I have not been that person for over 10 years.
Grief took away my ability to have small talk.
Even when you are no longer grieving you are incapable of an average regular way of living. (Click to Tweet!)
But something inside of me wants that back.
I want to be one of those people talking about nothing. Complaining about the smallest problem in the world.
And talking about the weather.
Talking about the weather is a form of being present.
And I have not been able to have a day where I get to talk about hair, clothes, dinner and the weather in for as long as I can remember.
My guess is that you haven’t either.
Everything has been heavy and complicated.
It has probably felt like you have been in a maze trying to find your way out.
Today I want to take you out of that maze, out of the rebuilding mode.
Take you away from all the searching.
Just for today, let’s talk about the weather.
Just for today, let’s talk about what to wear.
Just for today, let’s talk about what to make for dinner. And nothing else.
Just like it used to be before all the bad things happened.
Just like other people live and they don’t know how lucky they are.
For today your homework is to talk about nothing much. And I will do the same.
With love,
Christina
I want to talk about chocolate cake… found this post this morning and all she wants at 9pm is the BEST chocolate cake ever. And I needed the intensity of something so common to get through this day.
Im not rebuilding today. Im integrating. And in my new life, reading cooking blogs has GOT to have a place.
Thank you for all your good work.
With love,
Vikki
Here’s the link to the cake thing: http://smittenkitchen.com/blog/2015/02/the-i-want-chocolate-cake-cake/
🙂
Oh so true, I find all of what you said to be true for me also. My friend said to me “Lisa, I admire the way you can just walk away from a bunch of women talking, it’s so assertive and setting boundaries!” Actually, it’s survival – I find it HARD to talk small talk and find value in it. She things I’m being assertive and I silently ask for forgiveness if I seen rude, but I can’t handle it…..I can’t be in that space and it hurts because I don’t always want to appear rude, but survival comes first. I appreciate those in my life who get that…..it’s not a snub, it’s just survival. I find that I can do the small talk when I am in a space that I feel totally safe with people that I can relax. I’ve realized that I been holding “vigilance” since my husband died, I’m not sure how we take on that role, but the few times I’ve been able to let down the guard and just “be” have been so fulfilling…..I pray for more everyday. Thanks for hitting the notes on the things we need to share with each other!
Mmm… beautiful. 🙂
I struggle with this sometimes. Liz and I were just talking this morning about how the condo that we’ve been living in together since October feels like this life incubator where we have been melting and stripping away everything that doesn’t serve us or isn’t true anymore.
I live in a retreat. I live in therapy. I don’t try to, but it just happens. Everywhere I go people tell me their life stories and cry in my arms. The more I heal within me, the more I can see and feel everyone else’s pain as if they were holding a giant poster board with all of their deepest secrets written in black permanent marker.
I’m getting better at boundaries and saying no, but as I move through the world a lot of people recognize that I’m a safe place to land.
I don’t know how to do shallow anymore. On a daily basis I talk about God, death, sex, purpose, partnership, money, and growth. And technology. It’s an exponential world out there.
Is there a way to go backwards on the path? Is there a way to plug back into the Matrix? I don’t know.
Today I ate some bacon and kale for breakfast with Liz outside on our patio. It was delicious. 🙂
And Nutella. Motherfucking Nutella.
Ahhhh.
Thank you for your words. This blog is one of the very few wellsprings of nourishment for me out there.
I feel as if I don’t belong. No matter who I am with or what I am doing. The most inconcential things irritate me…..
I let the dogs (mine and my late husband’s aa well as my son’s) out to run into the backyard and as I was standing there leaning out of the door watching my breath (1°) I was enjoying the bright sunshine, but then heard the birds chirping like crazy. It’s one of the things I used to LOVE before my loss. I went back inside with the dogs, then I realised one of the birds was a robin singing! I thought spring is on it’s way! (Finally!) I am able to consciously stop and enjoy things like that again with your help Christina. Thank you for helping those of us who have had a loss, whatever it was. I send your messages to friends and loved ones to help them as well. Thanks again!
I find almost the opposite – I don’t feel like I can talk to anyone about how I feel about my loss…how empty I am…how lonely I am…how I just want my husband back. Day in and day out, I am forced to talk about the weather and traffic and work and hear other people’s frustrations with the little things and I just want so badly to scream at them, “that’s not important! None of that matters!” I want someone to realize how much I’m hurting and to stop talking about how her husband made her angry this morning or his wife did something wrong…hey! At least you still have your spouse around. I’d give anything to have just one more argument or for Greg to tease me for doing something wrong.
I want to talk about the weather. Trauma begets Trauma begets Trauma. Grief begets Grief begets Grief. Fear & Anger. Loneliness. I Feel Everything to my Core. I want to Talk About The Weather. xxx
My son called tonight. He had a dream about his dad. Got us talking. I was trying to explain to him ,that I’m ok. But I don’t feel like I used to. A lot of the time it feels like an effort. Just life. Trying to find a middle ground , where I’m happy. It’s been nearly two yrs , I’m better , over the horrible , rough , stuff. I have a lot more fond memories. I’m not sad all the time. I get it. My husband is gone. He s in a better place. I can’t have him back. I will always carry him in my heart. But I want me back. I don’t like this underlying sadness that is always there. It’s just there. I’m tired of fighting it off. I understand that I will always miss him. Will I find a way to mesh all this. ⁉️⁉️