All of my romantic relationships were not healthy for many years of my life.
I always felt like the weak partner,
the person who was more in love,
more needy and more insecure.
My boyfriend of 5 years in my early 20s would complain that I wanted to see him too much.
In the end I found out he cheated on me with many women.
I did leave him, but to be honest it crossed my mind to stay, because I was insanely in love with him and my worthiness about myself was so low.
In the end I left.
But my patterns of attachment did not go with him.
Even with my husband during his cancer years these were the hardest years of my life.
My heart was broken, not only by my impending loss, but by the attachment I had to him.
His life was much more important than mine.
So much that I wished every single day that it was me dying and not him.
I didn’t know if I could survive without him.
I would go and sit inside the closet and cry, because I didn’t want anyone to hear me.
I thought true love was impossible pain and suffering.
I thought pain was love.
I could not be more wrong.
Today, the woman who cried in the closet every day is almost a stranger to me.
Since those years something so fundamental shifted in me.
I love very differently now.
I want the world to love without pain as well.
First…you have to walk inside your mind.
Not your heart.
This journey has nothing to do with your heart.
Everything you need to love in a healthy way is inside your mind.
Inside your mind you will find all the beliefs about yourself that have hijacked your worthiness.
There lives one sentence and your pain and unhealthy attachment comes from that one sentence.
I will give you an example of my sentence so you can see what I mean.
My sentence said: You are not as good as he is, as smart as he is, and as worthy of love as he is. Therefore if he left me or he died I would vanish somehow.
It took me a while to not only find this belief but understand it.
So first, find that sentence that lives within.
And then spend every waking moment proving it wrong by increasing your worthiness.
How do you increase your worthiness?
This is actually easier than you realize.
You have to pull yourself away from the attachment of him or her every day by doing something good for you.
At first it will be a few moments here and there and as time goes by the moments will add up to an hour and so on.
For example, it can be as simple and as easy as finding a book to read that you can get into.
Or finding a course you can take online which has a community of students you can interact with. The best way to think of this is that you are inside a very unhealthy room with the person you are in a relationship with. And this room holds you hostage.
But the keys are hanging by the door.
Because of your painful attachment to him or her you think that leaving the room would be even more painful than staying.
Your homework is to grab the keys every day and exit the relationship for small periods of time, doing something valuable for you that has nothing to do with that relationship.
Increasing your value every day, will change the belief inside your head that says you are not valuable without this person.
I want you to see this as training for a marathon.
You have to train every day.
Add new friends, new hobbies, new books, new clothes, new interests.
And when you go back into the relationship room hold back a little.
As you will feel stronger and more able to create the boundaries you need but never knew you required.
And as for me, I have been married for 4 years and my relationship with Eric is not even inside a room.
It is inside a vast beautiful universe with thousands of souls.
You are there, you are part of my value.
My work is there.
My hobbies are there, my time alone is there, my writing is there and my passion about many things.
He loves this woman who shares her big universe with him.
Eric could have been like all my other relationships, painful and lonely.
But my pattern was interrupted.
And in its place a vast world came into being.
You are a part of my world.
And my love for you makes my love for him healthy.
So love a big part of the world.
Tell me your belief that’s holding you back, and how you will go find your worthiness today.
With so much HEALTHY love,
PS. Grab the book. If you haven’t it will help you leave that room I promise.