The 3 things you must do before you go on a date

The most important emotion of the human species has been translated by our world as one single word.


Imagine if we put back the real word and call it:


And we go out to find someone to love.

Would that feel different?

Would that scare us less or more?

Imagine when someone asks you:

What are you doing this weekend?

And you say:

I have a love. Not a date. A love.


Imagine if the intention is to love from the beginning. (Click to Tweet!)

Then we may not be so reluctant to go out there to find our love.

Loving after a certain age according to millions of people is hard.

Is that true?

Or is it that using the word dating instead of loving degrades our real need of love into a physical temporary attraction?

So the question changes from will I find someone to love…to will anyone want me the way I look?

And it becomes torture, struggle, and so frightening.

By the time we leave our house to go on that date, we have said so many horrible things to ourselves. If that’s true, what are your chances of finding someone to love in this state?

Now let’s change this dating torture into an experience of love and life.

After all we are here to love more than once.

So here it goes.

I have met many many women and men who find love again.

MANY. Do you know what these folks had in common?

No…wasn’t their good looks, their money, or their education that attracted love the second time around.

It was their attitude.

The way they saw themselves.

They went out, looked for love and if they didn’t find it that night they went back home without bitterness, anger and rage. Without asking ‘WHY ME.

Honestly, I was one of the people who was angry and bitter.

When I met my second husband I refused to even look at him.

I told myself myths about him in that moment. He of course was going to hurt me and leave me. Because he likes younger women.

Of course, why would he want to be with me, be with a single mom of two young daughters with baggage.

So when he went to sit next to me, I turned the other way. I didn’t even want to look at him. What would be the point I said to myself.

He is probably on his way to the next girl.

I mean talk about some bad self talk.

I had these horrible thoughts. And of course don’t get me started on the guilt and shame thoughts, it will take me three messages to be complete.

Bottom line. The three things you have to do before you go out on a date:

  1. Tell yourself nice things. Period. Look in the mirror and tell yourself how amazing you are.
  2. Go out LOVING. Not DATING. Go out there to find LOVE, not a date. This will shift everything around you.
  3. Don’t be bitter. Be Brave. Be brave to come home if it doesn’t work out and still love yourself.

And that’s it. The rest will come.

With love,



  1. This is great. Sadly, I was that same way when I met my husband. But he spoke to me in a different language. I could see that when he looked at me he wasn’t just looking at the surface. He looked through me and saw me for the whole human I am. And we fell in love and got married. He passed away 11 months ago today.
    There’s no way I could ever go out there and “date” again. After what I’ve been through and continue to go through I’ve decided myself that it will be “loving” not “dating”. After all that’s what everyone end up doing eventually if you’re not looking for just a physical connection. So, I love your honesty in this. I’ll be honest I want love again someday but no thanks on the whole “dating” thing. Thanks for reminding us to be kind to ourselves. I try to change my self critical thought patterns everyday and your posts really encourage me. Thank you! You rock!

  2. Wow, I find it amazing that we feel and think the same things regarding dating again. It’s been 6 years now and i don’t have the courage to step out!

  3. How to find love tho? I don’t do the bar thing or online dating. Majority of friends are coupled off so I’m always a fifth wheel going anywhere. I’m willing to find love 2 years after losing my dear husband but how?? Can you do an article on suggestions on what to do to meet others? Tried one support group (not looking for dates) soon after his death and I left ready to scream. It was I guess a bad group for me since I didn’t feel included at all. Newbies were on their own it seemed.

    • I’m trying to just do things that I like to do. I dont do the bar thing either and recently got off the on line dating thing. I’m taking a couple of cooking classes. I don’t need to take cooking classes. I look at it as a way to get out of the house and increase my chances of meeting new people even if they aren’t single guys, though I hope. Good luck to you. I wish you Love.

  4. I so needed this right now. It will be 5 years in January since my love died and I have been too scared to even consider dating. Then there are the complexities…. I am a single mum of 2, with very little support. How do I get to leave the house without the kids child free, even if I do meet someone? Then there are the concerns about bringing someone into our lives and it not working out and the kids suffering yet another loss. * sigh * sometimes it’s too hard and I just go back to my book. 🙁

  5. Well, my husband didnt pass, but its like he did. We were having some financial difficulties with his business an he couldnt handle the stress, and began using drugs, meth to be accurate. He changed, an got into some wierd stuff , so after a year an half of some strange activity, he started cheat, may of dne it the whole time, dont know. But I caught.him, 4 years later we are divorced, he’ s been in jail, and now back out and on drugs again…. One day I thought things were good, and then it changed. Its as if he died… Ive had to move on, But am left with a hole in my heart and many questions….

    • Divorce is like a death. Your realtionship ended. Mine changed the second we found out he was going to die and ended when he did. I am sorry for your loss.

  6. I can stand in front of the mirror and say something nice about myself and go out, but it really am not wanting to find love again. I am fine with my life as it is. Right now I can say that I am happy. God Bless …..hugs

  7. I think this message is so amazing it should go out to every woman in the world. I hate that horrible horrible horrible word dating. To remember that it’s all about LOVE is so important. That’s what I had with my husband before he died, and that’s all I want in my future, at some time when I’m ready. Not dating. Thank you Christina.

  8. I recently ‘met’ a guy on line. The other day I emailed a friend about him after I decided that I was feeling love for or with him. I don’t know if he’s my next big love right now but I feel love. Like you said it feels like loving not dating. It’s nice to have someone you are attracted to like you and be attracted to you the same amounts. I’m not interested in just being friends with him. There feels like there’s more there. Our lives are so very different and I can’t imagine how a future with us could work out but there feels like there’s a connection between us that I can only describe as Love and that’s what I wrote to my friend. It feels good. It felt alittle strange telling her that, using the word Love. I told her i wasnt nessicarily saying was in love with him, but maybe i am. Even if it goes no further it still feels good now and it’s makes me happy. Yes sometimes I wonder and worry about what the out come will be but at the same time it just feels good right now and just as the amount of pain I feel from missing my husband’s and I’s love because it was big, I am willing to risk any hurt that may come again because this feels good and nice and special like love. And i am thankful and happy. Wish me luck. I will look at any possible future dating as looking for love even if it feels or is disguised by Lust. Thanks for writing this.

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Christina Rasmussen

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