Maybe I was always like this.
I can’t remember.
Maybe I never really tried to be fashionable, or beautiful.
Maybe it was before the loss that I was like this.
But I think however it was, it got much worse after and it never went back to how it was.
I am talking about the simple ability to buy nice clothes, seek fashion, cute shoes and spending time on our physical appearance.
Unless I have to go somewhere to speak I am not interested in spending time building my wardrobe or going to the mall.
But I want to.
I want to be like normal people again.
I want to look at jewelry. Admire a new jacket.
Get excited about shopping.
Even decorate my house.
Buy nice frames and pictures for the walls.
Make it mine. Instead, I actually dread it.
But what if a part of life reentry after loss is our forgotten ability of adornment?
Lately, I have had this craving of making things prettier around me.
Just taking some extra time to buy a nice candle for my bedroom.
Or checking out a new pair of boots. But it’s not easy.
Something so simple for others, is so hard for me.
And I wonder if you are like that too.
If you go about your day not thinking about anything but the basics.
Food. Sleep. Dishes in the dishwasher. Kids. Work. Back to sleep.
And after 10 years of reentering life successfully this part of loss is still here.
It feels like my adornment skills are still in survival state.
No thriving when it comes to that.
So this week I made a promise to myself.
I am going to rebuild that muscle and make time to decorate my bedroom.
Find some pictures for my empty walls.
Buy flowers. And you know, maybe even wear lipstick.
As I am writing this I am laughing at the ridiculous nature of it.
And that’s where the problem lies. I think it’s ridiculous to think about decorating, fashion and adornment, but what if it isn’t?
What if it is part of my healing and my life reentry?
So, this week will you do this with me?
Find a small room to decorate in your house.
Or go buy some new clothes for yourself.
Something you don’t really need.
Something that is unnecessary.
With lipstick and some candles,
PS. I did a podcast interview about the universe and writing. You can listen to it here: http://workhacks.com/christinarasmussen/