You Are Not Crazy, You Are Grieving.


The moon hangs the same way, unmovable.

The stars shine with the same glitter, bright.

The streets stay in their strong concrete, unchanged.

The sun rises, unstoppable.

The birds sing, still.

Life continues almost as if nothing has changed.

Unless life is seen through you.

Then everything is different.

The moon is heavier.

The stars are more obvious than before.

The streets feel tougher. Resisting you.

The sun rises with an extra sun flare.

The birds are too loud.

And life is not the same. After loss that is.

Your voice hasn’t left you but you sound different.

Your hair still falls the same way on your head, but it doesn’t feel right.

You breathe, but it is harder to do so.

You walk, but your body’s gravity has changed.

You speak, but the words come out less frequent.

Your hands are sweaty and cold.

They feel as if they belong to a statue. They hang with no purpose.

Food has lost its taste.

Ice cream makes you feel nauseous.

The phone rings and rings and rings. You don’t answer.

Your body somehow doesn’t want to carry you anymore.

NIghts are a nightmare. Even though you are not sleeping.

Days are long even though they still last 24 hours.

Silence is loud.

Absence is a real person. And you think you’ve lost your mind.

You have.

And we have to talk about it.

You are not crazy. You are grieving. (Click to Tweet!)

You are in pain.

And it feels like insanity.

It feels like there is no way back.

There is…

Your way back will happen very slowly.

Almost like a whisper.

The moon will look heavy for a while.

Absence will be your shadow for now.

And the sun will look too bright in the mornings.

Until…

Until slowly your hands will feel less cold.

Your voice a little more familiar again.

You will have ice cream and it won’t taste like mud.

You will pick up the phone again.

Your body will not resist you anymore.

And nights will not be so scary.

That’s when you will know that life is on its way back to you.

That’s when you will know you will make it.

You will be ok. Not the same. But ok.

Not crazy. But bold.

Not scared. But cautious.

Not you. But still you.

I love you all,

Christina

Comments

  1. Two years later I read this and I am in tears. The way back does happen very slowly. I am getting there, but it has not been an easy journey.

  2. I love this message because it totally describes how I feel right now. Almost 11 months gone, and our wedding anniversary would be tomorrow…July 4, I do feel like I am going crazy, but I am relieved to know this is grief. I must be patient, but it hurts so much!

  3. This is one of the best messages I have read recently. It very much spoke to my heart and soul. Thank you.

  4. I am two weeks in and I simply can’t even begin to think about an end to this pain…unbelievable pain. I really could care less if I see anybody, but I do. I could care less if I eat, but I do. All I want is for something to put me to sleep.

    • It has been 13 months for me and our 4th wedding anniversary is next week. It will get a little easier. The pain will settle into a dull ache and want cut like a knife. I doubt the pain ever subsides completely. Hold on to your friends and loved ones. They want to help. Death is a part of life and it’s definitely the most sucky part. It doesn’t get any worse than this. But don’t give up. You are loved.

  5. Thank you for writing this book & blog. This has assisted me Tremendously. I’m starting to notice that I’m beginning to laugh more, care about other people, less anxiety and so much more. Life has color and scent again. There’s promise showing it’s glorious face. Ahhh, Thank You! Life is Incredible!

  6. Grieving, such a hard word. 16 months into this grief. How do you deal with such an unexpected death. Such good health, then walk in a room and he is gone. Why why why?????????

  7. when I am sure that I have this down…another wave like the ocean tide comes to remind me … Yes I have been through hell and back 3 times(3 deaths in 9 months) has been 2+ years) one doesn’t always know what will trigger the feelings of loss… I hear ..you are so strong, capable , wise….. yes and also so vulnerable and scared too. The circle of friends have long since moved away..no new ones yet… need to find a new home soon..nothing yet.. the “safe”ty net (s) have all died. Nothing feels solid or stable… (boom there are the tears) stability..and the lack there of.. I am willing to be willing to trust the tide will change and stability will return …

    • Dawn Marie, I have lost 2 in six months and I can’t imagine losing three! There are no words to console, just letting you know that there are others out there that DO know how you feel and will be there for you online if you need a friend, Maybe we will find our new friends this way.:)

  8. I don’t think we ever quit grieving… It just gets a little easier to handle. It easier is the word. My two biggest losses are very far apart but they both are so fresh in my mind. I kind of relive them every day in my own way. Sometimes I have to cry and sometimes I am ok…Just ok. I question why but I know I will never know the true answer until I am with God himself and he can tell me. Until then life is worth living. It is a gift and we must accept and take car of this gift. Sorry I am kind of emotional right now, thinking of my loved ones makes me so. Just thinking out loud.. thanks.

  9. Thought I was doing really well! One year on the 23rd! Oh but I was wrong! I was just keeping so busy, not only did I not think, I did not feel!Trying to live as Andy would but today…miss him so much! Filling the time doesn’t fill HIS space!

  10. Thank you so much for this. 9.5 months, yet feels like yesterday when I held him in my arms and kissed him as he fell asleep for the last time

  11. I just saw this on a Facebook page. I lost my 19 year old son on June 9th. This has been the hardest thing I’ve ever had to go through. Everyday its a chore to get going and try to “be there” enough for my other children. Everyone keeps saying “It will get easier”, I just have trouble imagining it. Thank you for these words and the words of the commenters, I see eventually there will be a time.

  12. July 3rd was the 2nd anniversary of my husbands death. It was eight month’s and one day later my sister died. I can’t deal with the loss of my husband and my best friend. The silence in my home is painful..I will never hear his voice again. I don’t know if I ever had the time to truly grieve for my sister since I lost both so close together. I am no longer me, I am no longer happy, I am sad all the time. I lost my heart and soul when I lost Brian. I feel I have lost life…….the pain is beyond words.

  13. Correction, my husbands 2nd anniversary of his funeral was July 3rd, his death was June 22nd 2013, at 2:32 p.m. it was 27.8 Celsius.

  14. This is not an easy journey. I am struggling to hold on for my children that are still with me. My daughter was killed in a car accident July 14th 2015. I felt like i was doing “ok” but now I feel like I am going crazy. I had to ask my significant other yesterday “is this really real? am I really here? convince me please, I dont know how you can do that but please convince me. I really dont know what i am asking of him. Yesterday I called a friend to ask about an event that is coming up. 10 min later I called her again, not remembering that i had just talked to her. I honestly felt like like crying my eyes out, I cant explain the scary feeling I got at that moment.
    Reading this today could not have come at a better time. Thank you.

  15. Still praying for healing after 9 YEARS & 2+ months. Know in my “head” that I need to “move on”, as my.husband asked that I do before he died. My heart won’t agree. Too exhausted to try @ 71 … grief is overwhelmingly heavy, & it refuses to be discarded. Want to get back “in the saddle”; frustrated that I cannot do so.

  16. This speaks so many truths. “You walk, but your body’s gravity has changed.” This is that other-worldly thing that ha overwhelmed me. I know I haven’t lost my mind, or have I?

  17. It has been 16 months now, July 2 would have been our 40th Anniversay, which is in between both of our Birthdays.
    I put up a brave front at work and when I am out with friends, then come home to an empty house, and I am again reminded that he is gone.

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Christina Rasmussen

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