Do Not Attach Your Worthiness to the Person You Are Married To


All of my romantic relationships were not healthy for many years of my life.

I always felt like the weak partner,

the person who was more in love,

more needy and more insecure.

My boyfriend of 5 years in my early 20s would complain that I wanted to see him too much.

In the end I found out he cheated on me with many women.

I did leave him, but to be honest it crossed my mind to stay, because I was insanely in love with him and my worthiness about myself was so low.

In the end I left.

But my patterns of attachment did not go with him.

Even with my husband during his cancer years these were the hardest years of my life.

My heart was broken, not only by my impending loss, but by the attachment I had to him.

His life was much more important than mine.

So much that I wished every single day that it was me dying and not him.

I didn’t know if I could survive without him.

I would go and sit inside the closet and cry, because I didn’t want anyone to hear me.

I thought true love was impossible pain and suffering.

I thought pain was love.

I could not be more wrong.

Today, the woman who cried in the closet every day is almost a stranger to me.

Since those years something so fundamental shifted in me.

I love very differently now.

I want the world to love without pain as well.

First…you have to walk inside your mind.

Not your heart.

This journey has nothing to do with your heart.

Everything you need to love in a healthy way is inside your mind.

Inside your mind you will find all the beliefs about yourself that have hijacked your worthiness.

There lives one sentence and your pain and unhealthy attachment comes from that one sentence.

I will give you an example of my sentence so you can see what I mean.

My sentence said: You are not as good as he is, as smart as he is, and as worthy of love as he is. Therefore if he left me or he died I would vanish somehow.

It took me a while to not only find this belief but understand it.

So first, find that sentence that lives within.

And then spend every waking moment proving it wrong by increasing your worthiness.

How do you increase your worthiness?

This is actually easier than you realize.

You have to pull yourself away from the attachment of him or her every day by doing something good for you.

At first it will be a few moments here and there and as time goes by the moments will add up to an hour and so on.

For example, it can be as simple and as easy as finding a book to read that you can get into.

Or finding a course you can take online which has a community of students you can interact with. The best way to think of this is that you are inside a very unhealthy room with the person you are in a relationship with. And this room holds you hostage.

But the keys are hanging by the door.

Because of your painful attachment to him or her you think that leaving the room would be even more painful than staying.

Your homework is to grab the keys every day and exit the relationship for small periods of time, doing something valuable for you that has nothing to do with that relationship.

Increasing your value every day, will change the belief inside your head that says you are not valuable without this person.

I want you to see this as training for a marathon.

You have to train every day.

Add new friends, new hobbies, new books, new clothes, new interests.

And when you go back into the relationship room hold back a little.

As you will feel stronger and more able to create the boundaries you need but never knew you required.

And as for me, I have been married for 4 years and my relationship with Eric is not even inside a room.

It is inside a vast beautiful universe with thousands of souls.

You are there, you are part of my value.

My work is there.

My hobbies are there, my time alone is there, my writing is there and my passion about many things.

He loves this woman who shares her big universe with him.

Eric could have been like all my other relationships, painful and lonely.

But my pattern was interrupted.

And in its place a vast world came into being.

You are a part of my world.

And my love for you makes my love for him healthy.

So love a big part of the world.

We are not here to love one person but many. As many as possible. (Click to Tweet!)

Tell me your belief that’s holding you back, and how you will go find your worthiness today.

With so much HEALTHY love,

Christina

PS. Grab the book. If you haven’t it will help you leave that room I promise.

Comments

  1. Hi Christina
    It’s taken me about 2 years so far realise this about myself and my narcissist ex husband. I was nothing, he was everything, and he loved it that way. I still struggle, but can now see it clearly. Thank you so, so much for helping me from afar. I hope you come to Sydney soon. Love and hugs.xxx

  2. Hello Christina has I open your message today it was like you was inside my mind and thoughts. For the past week or so I have been truly considering how I would like to be in a relationship and how I would like a man to be with me in this relationship also. I too have had many unhealthy relationships that have left me feeling useless and unworthy to be loved… Looking at my fathers relationship I can see why this is so and what I have allowed. This week I let something go from my life and working at not tolerating inside myself no more, making excuses for inappropriate behaviour like men cancelling dates not showing up and time, never calling when they say they would and I accepting and understanding it like I have done something wrong. The last of integrity and inconsistency I realise I allow due to the fact as a young girl I too was left waiting for my dad to turn up promise that was not kept and my feeling not validate or worth any time to be considered.. I am now being to accept these painful parts inside and work at not allowing these messages and pattern to continue. I now hope to fully accept these hurts inside and to do something different for the beauty I want to know inside of me.

  3. I lost my son almost 6 years ago. I feel worthless as a person without him even though I love my boyfriend. So many have left me I wander why he loves me.

  4. My entire life I have never felt I was worthy and always did everything to please other people because I believed it was the only way I would survive or be a person. After finding the courage to leave an abusive relationship I thought I had discovered I could survive without others but it just made me feel worse. Then I met my current husband and we lost our son and I still struggle to feel I’m worth anything without anyone. I feel like I can’t leave or do anything for myself because I belong to my hubby. After reading your message this morning it opened my eyes and made me realise I belong to no one so I’m going to try find some courage to leave that room… thanks for the inspiration x

  5. Just found you today. I’m cocooning in my home alone as my six kids are finally back in school. Praying to find answers to how to live alive in my marriage. Imagine your four years with your husband sick going on for 10+ years. My husband has had one health issue after another and I live as a single parent and a widow even though he is here. How do you learn to fly when you are attached to someone broken? This is the hardest grief because its a loss that you can’t step forward out of. I am taking steps to go out and do things for myself, but I still always have to come home. Thank you for what you do.

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Christina Rasmussen

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