How To Find Your New Inner Circle After Loss


You are strange.

A loner.

A doer.

An insane soul.

A person of compassion.

A person of unlimited passion.

A drifter.

You become all of the above after loss. Any kind of loss.

This new person is no longer someone who can fit in.

You can almost hear what people think.

And it is not so easy to hear it.

Grief makes us not just sad and lonely but strange.

So strange that at first we reject ourselves over and over again, because we no longer fit in where we used to.

So we keep trying.

We keep longing to be the same as everyone else.

Your grief makes you appear strange to others but the truth is that you only seem strange to them because they didn’t change with you.

It is like you wore the same color clothes as everyone around you, and one day you walked in wearing orange. Of course they will think you are strange.

Now the key is not to stop everyone else from seeing you as strange but to go find your new tribe. @SecondFirsts (Click to Tweet!)

Yes there are others like you out there feeling strange and alone. They need to find you.

Here is where you start the journey:

  1. Start speaking differently, be very mindful of the words you use. The old vocabulary comes from a pattern, an automatic response from years of living the same life. Now that your life changed you need to find the words for this life.
  2. Look at the way you dress. Ask this question: Is this really who I am now? Go find something to wear that you would never wear before. Wear it and have a day in this new life you are creating. See the type of people you are attracting when you use new words and wear a different outfit. I know it sounds simple, but change is not complicated.
  3. Find a hobby, a new passion that in your old life you could never imagine yourself doing. But you secretly admired the people who did. What is that new hobby? For me, it was learning how to fly. Seeing myself as a pilot one day made me see my life from a very different vantage point. Get bold with this. I promise you, you won’t break.
  4. Join a ‘meet up’ group with people who have the same hobby, the same passion. Go there with the new identity and give it a try.
  5. Facebook and social media are good places to find people who resemble your new life. I guess this is how we met. I promise you there are many people out there who would love the new you. Strike an online conversation with someone in a new Facebook group. It is no longer weird to talk to strangers online. Of course be careful and use common sense, but most of the friends I have today I met online. Geography might be a problem but the connection takes place regardless of how far away you live from the new friend.
  6. This step is for the bold ones. Plan a move. Pick a place on the map and go there. I have met many people who moved after their loss, and it was the best thing they could have done. Don’t dismiss this one quickly. Be open to the thought of relocating.
  7. And finally, trust the new self that is emerging to recognize the new inner circle. You don’t need validation from your old friends to know you are on the right track. They don’t know what’s right for you anymore. Unfortunately the beginning of this journey is lonely, you are a nomad on your way to finding your new family of friends. A lonely journey to start with but a journey that will change your life forever.

With love,

Christina

Grab the book on your way to your new inner circle.

Comments

  1. Oh Christina, thank you! Tears are streaming down my face as I read this. The truth of it is so very authentic it makes me catch my breath. I’ve buried a child. Faced multiple betrayals and the loss of my inner circle. After losing my mate of 12yrs to betrayal, I also lost my best friend of 20 years because she just couldn’t accept that I was changing….again. The intensity of the pain of walking away from her almost derailed me in a worse way. What I find amazing is that once I found the strength to let go of them both, the vacuum that was created in my world has been being filled by people I never expected to be close to. It’s wonderful and humbling.
    I am a nomad. I am strange…even to my self, but that is just ok for now. I’ve bought new clothes, ran my first 5k, took a road trip from northern MN to the gulf in TX and made new surprising friends:). <3 one step at a time

    Thank you for validating so much of what truly does happen in the trenches of grief . It's priceless to those of us still digging our way out. 🙂

    • Your comment speaks for me, too., as your experience and response were much like mine. I love Christine’s Message as well, but I wanted to thank you for YOUR words! Blessings and Good Luck!

  2. I love this message! As Anne-Marie said in her post above ” this message makes you feel understood!” We can never be the same after a loss or numerous losses. I cannot tell you how many times I have been told ” Terri, you have changed. You are being weird. Where did Terri go?” It bothered me at first, but after awhile I let it roll off of my back. The comments that were said to me were true, very true! As many looked at these things in a negative way, I chose to look at these changes as a positive thing . It didn’t always feel positive in the beginning, but as time continued to move on after loss, I realized that this newly discovered “weirdness” is essential in surviving and creating a new life! Wishing everyone a beautiful weekend!

  3. Your timing with your messages always come exactly when I need them. I bought Second Firsts and been following you online ever since my boyfriend passed away 6 months ago. At a time when everyone my age is getting engaged, married, and having their first child, I feel so out of place and a little left behind. I also identify in some aspects to being a widow, but not all aspects. So I feel very much in the gray. Definitely trying to find a new inner circle, and moving forward. Thank you Christina….you are one of the few who get me!

  4. thank you so much, it’s been two years and 3 mths since I lost my only beloved son, I still feel like I’m all alone on this grief journey but after reading this I know I’m not, it’s so hard to get beyond this terrible feeling, because I am alone except for my two son’s girls I have a daughter and her two girls and husband but things aren’t real good there, lot of issues, my heart has been broken into a million pieces and it’s such a lonely life. Hugs to all that have lost a child.

  5. You are so on. When you write especially this article it is like your reading my heart. It is painful enough when you lose your spouse but to lose your friends and social life with it is so painful. That lonely existence becomes even more pronounced. It’s nice when someone truly gets it!!!!

    Thank You

  6. What a great post today. I have felt so alone on my new “path” after losing my beloved husband of 9 years. I feel strong and resilient at times but lonely also. There are some days where my dogs and my six year old are the only things that keep me wanting to move forward. You describe (very well) many of the feeling I have… I love the ideas you share here. Thank you, Christina.

  7. Thank you for this message. It certainly struck home. I feel like someone understands me for the first time in 15 years. I do need a hobby and I do need to move. Thanks for the validation.

  8. Thank you for your wisdom. I found your book through a book review I read in a magazine(in South Africa). I am moving back home to Cape Town (South Africa) after 32 years. I am happy excited scared and sad to be leaving the town and home I shared with my husband of 39 years. I started to feel stuck. I prayed afor someone to buy my house. My prayers were answered. I did not even place an ad.

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Christina Rasmussen

Welcome to the Message in a Bottle page, here you will find wisdom, truth and tools for you to start over. Make sure you sign up at the top to be sure to receive it in your inbox every Friday.