Dear Death. I never liked you.

Dear death,

You come and knock on the door of some amazing people.

You take them in the night,

in cars,

in hospital rooms and in every possible way imagined.

I never liked you. 

You have taken so many people I love.

And you take them forever and ever.

You don’t take them for a little while and then bring them back.

You take them. 

Period.

When my husband died you gave me three and a half years to get used to the idea.

You called it a ‘cancer diagnosis.’

But how can we ever get used to knowing that one day there will be one last breath and no more.

He was here one moment and gone the next.

One breath here.

d8bcb2f0a67f26188a0eb8a78e91eab9

Another in another world. 

And then insanity comes for a visit,

questioning everything.

Life. Love. Meaning. The Universe. God.

We ask why.

We wonder what’s the point.

And we wonder alone as nobody really wants to talk about death.

Nobody talks about mortality.

Death you are so unpopular.

Death you are the only certainty but still so invisible.

As if you will never come and visit.

As if you don’t exist. 

As if you were never here.

But you have always been here and will always be here.

But listen for a minute…as I have something to tell you that can never ever change.

I will always love life more than you. 

I might come to the edge and wave from a far but know that I am not there because of you but because life is so much sweeter closer to the end.

You will never be forgiven for taking the ones I loved.

I know in a perfect world you wish I could but this world is not perfect and I will not be ok with loss no matter how many miracles it can bring with it.

And one more last thing.

push2I am not afraid of you. 

You are as necessary as birth is to the living. 

We cannot live without knowing you are coming.

So come along and take us but know we will always have something you never got to have. Life.  (Click to Tweet!)

With so much life,

Christina

PS. Second Firsts climbed back up to the Amazon and Barnes and Noble bestseller lists yesterday. Very grateful for all the life this book is spreading.

Comments

  1. i loved it! it describes every emotion anyone who losses a loved one feels. alot of people will relate to this letter! thank you!

  2. Wonderful Christina! I thought your words were very insightful and I’m glad that your path has led you to these words. Although I and others, may have other ideas of death or have religious paths they are on that have them interpret death differently, I know that this is a perfect definition of ones feelings (as well as others) about what their gut and heart is going through at the loss of friends or loved ones. Thank you for sharing this I will put this into my ‘Things I want to keep” FB page to always have it readily available when someone near and dear to me is taken from this life or to share it with someone else with a link to your wonderful page. By the way, as I am a Web designer, I would like to complement you on your website, and choice of relaxing colors! You may call me anytime for ‘just a chat.’

    Michael L. Dishong
    801-577-7074 Cell
    http://www.utahmapping.com

  3. Your messages have been very helpful to me. My husband passed away last March after a 2 year illness and all the Doctors would say was “One day at a time”. Seveal days before he passed He told me “I feel as if we are getting further and further apart”. I was not sure what his comment was describing as I would see him every day either in the Hospital or in the Nursing home. I know It it will never go away but it is getting easier and easier to cope with his loss. We did have 50 wonderful years together and I am working on the new chapter in my life and so far I am making slow progress. Again thank you for all your help.

  4. Thank you so much. Your words help to take the “sting” out of death. So true that there’s so much mystery surrounding death. Everyone tiptoes around the subject, but YOU SAID THAT! I will also save this letter. I was always so afraid of death until I watched my husband dying of cancer.

    • Louisa the more we allow ourselves to talk about and even say the word the less afraid we get. I saw my hubby dying and it was a very traumatic experience but one I will cherish forever. When I am going through a tough day with normal life problems I think of that moment and I say if I can get through the most difficult experience I can get through anything. And that is why I wrote this quote: You have been through the unthinkable and that is why you can do the impossible.” I hope you have the book too. BIG HUGS!
      C

  5. I felt sad when i read this message about the deat, all of us will die, so we must do something right for the world to make them remember us in a good memory after death .
    Thanks Christena

  6. On my first read, I was upset because I think of death so differently; but then I realized I used to view it just that way, many years ago. It took many years, and my losing three very significant people to terrible illnesses to transform to my current understanding -that there really is no ‘death’, only transition, that my loved ones are still with me, only in a very different – spiritual, non -human way. I believe that the view of death you portrayed is the human interpretation. Once we look at life and death from the viewpoint of our spirit, our very soul, it is, I believe, very different. Thank you for deciding to post it!. <3

  7. Thank you for stopping to write it down, Christina. You give life wings to fly on! Cherish, Savor and Enjoy your memories while you make new ones to add to your life, not replacements for something lost! I love your work!

  8. “Death” is the blue finger of God, when it touches us we fly fly and fly away from our beloved world , Every write up you write has had so much of emotion is impossible to restrict tears, May God give the strength to bear all the pain and make you happy …Tc

  9. Christina- I’ve never commented on your posts, but I read them all and enjoy every one. This one hit home with me because my husband died in September last year after fighting his battle with advanced prostate cancer for almost two years from diagnosis. In the last three months of his life, I stayed home and cared for him there as he was unable to get out of bed due to fractured hips. During that time, he slept a lot so I kept a journal of things that were going on daily. One day, I was so angry at the whole situation and overcome with devastation so my journal entry was written to cancer and death. It was a lot like this letter you just posted today except for the part about living again. I thought I was crazy for addressing these two things as if they were people so I’m glad to know that I’m not the only one.
    Kevin and I would have been married 11 years if he would have made it to November. He raised three step children from his previous marriage and my daughter who is now 21. He was a young 54 year old man and I am 42. He had always wanted his own biological child but we couldn’t have one though we had tried. In September of 2013, I found out that I was pregnant (six months pregnant). It was not the happiest day of my life because I was already having to deal with the fact that my husband was dying before my eyes, but it was, hands down, the happiest day of his. Eight short weeks later, I gave birth to our perfect baby girl and was completely in love. It wasn’t easy juggling both an infant and him, but we managed somehow. He passed away when she was 10 months old. I thought that this was going to be much harder than it is, although I have my days and moments where I’m hit out of nowhere with sorrow for my loss, for my daughter’s loss. Knowing that he was able to experience his own daughter even for a short while and knowing that she gave him a reason to smile every single day he had left on this earth no matter what kind of pain or discomfort he was in has given me comfort.

  10. It’s late. I’m forcing myelf to eat. As I read this Christina,when I was on death’s door..I wish I would have let go. I came home after 2 months in ICU, my lungs had collapsed..seeing my Husband & teenage girls..Transfered to Burke Rehab. Fed by a belly tube & It would have bee easier..But I went home at 65 lbs, and My Husband was coughing. After weeks of antibiotics, chest exrays weekly, till his first symptom is hearing my oldest, 16 year old screamin Daddy!He had fallen face first, full weight into the carpet. He was bleeding Hepatitis C Blood from a tatoo he got to prove to me he was So Tough. He swaggerred into the Oncologist office after an MRI. His Italian slick baby self..”Hey Doc? Am I going to die? ” Well the DR. said yes. He had stage 4 Lung & Brain Cancer. 2 weeks without treatment..8 weeks with. At this time of night..after I lost the one Man who made me laugh, accepted me, taught me what trust was & that love doesn’t hurt. As I sit in the middle of Nowhere, Michigan..stuffing food to keep calories in my system..Death..You Cruel, Cruel MF..You should have taken ME. I am so tired. Ya see he left me so deep in debt..I left a child behind, there is no living here for me. I have been my ow advocate but Death took my Dad just 3 days after I got home, took the few friends who knew me & loved me..& then in The end ofDec. my Mom Finally was taken as I watched her die of Alzheimers. Death..Tou have Broken my Girls, & knocked me on my ass..& I am Not afraid of You..But Life has been filled with Screaming..since Vincent Mauro Died. I’ll feel better with some good sleep. I Finally got the help I need. It will be 9 years in November..Death..I wish You were stronger than me, I am not a Miracle..Just tooDefiant with a Fierce Anger..I think if I’d dream I’d go insane..for I can’t make smalltalk..& Life is Too Hard. I am Alone. This i the closest place to jail, I have ever been. My Body screams in pain. & I really Miss My Man. So at this time of night. Bring it on..xxx

  11. Thank you for your daily messages. Every daily message feels like it is being written to me personally. My husband passed away 20 months ago at age 47 of colorectal cancer. My husband was my best friend and soul mate for 24 years of marriage. He died unexpectedly after a week in the hospital, my world has crumbled. I have struggled to find a positive in life. I felt this describes death perfectly. I have recently started to date again,but feel torn between my love for my husband and dating again. Thank you for the daily messages they are helping me realize that I do deserve happiness again. Thank you Christina for giving from your heart to help others.

  12. The opposite of Death is my unborn grandchild, my seven grand babies. Death is a unwelcome companion. Ever present and snatching away some of those we love

  13. Thank you, Christina, for your message. My husband, the love of my life, passed away June 2015 of pancreatic cancer. He was healthy and happy as we were living our Biggest Dream after taking the leap of faith to move from Colorado to a little island in the Caribbean Jan 2012. He opened an art gallery—his life long dream and sold his art to tourists from all over the world. It became rated #1 on Trip Adviser just 3 months before having to close it due to feeling pain, fatigue, and weight loss. I had to get him on an emergency flight back to Colorado just three years to the week that we began living our Dream. I was his full time caregiver for 10 months both in a foreign country and Colorado. He passed away just 9 days after our 18th anniversary and 3 days after confirmation of an aggressive pancreatic cancer (even though he’d been in excruciating pain and in /out of 4 hospitals over the months). We were engaged just 3 weeks after meeting…from the very first date we “KNEW” we were divine soulmates. We played together, worked together, and lived our biggest dream together…and were only apart when one of us would go visit family for a week or two a few times over the years. I miss him terribly. But I feel his presence, his love and have signs from him daily. Still…I miss him every minute and miss our life here together. We promised that we would always be together, I don’t understand why we didn’t have much more time together on earth. But I do know his spirit is joyfully alive.
    This is what I posted on my FB page and my own added thoughts to the essay:
    Powerful essay attached and I’ll add my own thoughts:
    Death, I hate you. I will never forgive you for taking the last breath from the one my soul loves.
    But our power over you is greater than yours will EVER be.
    Christ received the Victory over you and conquered you. And death, you can NEVER ever take away Love! Love is more powerful than you.
    Love is eternal.,,it never dies nor can you take it away.
    Michael’s and my Love for one another remains Alive and Forever.
    Death, you may cause pain and tears and agony, but we have something you will never ever have….
    and that is Life! Eternal Life!
    As Michael said in his last days, “we’re in an all out battle, but no matter how it turns out, I Win!” And together we win because he told me in his final hours with absolute conviction and joy, “I am not leaving you, I’ll always be with you! And I’ll take care of you.” And he is.
    His promise and his joy that he managed to exude through his pain and in the last hours and the peace he had in the final minutes keep me going and I know I have help from beyond when death tries to clutch hold of me.
    ‪#‎ImLivin‬’!

Share your Thoughts

Time limit is exhausted. Please reload CAPTCHA.

Christina Rasmussen

Welcome to the Message in a Bottle page, here you will find wisdom, truth and tools for you to start over. Make sure you sign up at the top to be sure to receive it in your inbox every Friday.