Dance under the moon.

Maybe it is just me,

but I get stronger with sadness.

I get fearless with more fear.

I refuse to give up the more obstacles I have.

The more times I am ignored. The more times I will stand up.

The more times I will die, the more lives I will live.

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I danced under the moon last night.

And I felt timeless, lioness like.

Invisible.

Unafraid.

Unhuman.

But connected to the universe more than ever before.

Connected to the people who are gone before me.

In that moment there was no time, just the moon and me dancing under it.

Everything sad… disappeared.

Everyone who I lost… was found.

And I became stronger with sadness.

Fearless with more fear.

I understand I am different.

But I wasn’t always different.

I was the same as everyone else.

I did the same things every day.

I was a stay at home mom.

I had a normal life.

I was accepted.

I am who I am today because all was taken away from me.

I was no longer normal.

It felt like I lived in the 18th century, when the world was more cruel.

When we had less.

It felt like I was living in the street, homeless.

My heart was homeless for so long. I did not know that my sadness could get me stronger.

I didn’t know that my fear would get me fearless.

And I didn’t know the moon was mine to dance to.

I didn’t know that I was dead and I was about to be reborn.

When we are dead inside we don’t know we can live again.

When we are homeless we don’t know we can build our own home.

When we are afraid we don’t know we can be fearless.

When we are sad we don’t know we can be happy.

And happiness means something so different now.

It does not mean joy or bliss.

It does not mean peace.

It means choices, freedom.

Freedom to find my moon in the midst of thunderstorms.

Freedom to see my strength in the midst of my weakness.

Freedom to say hello to my warrior self while in battle for life.

While in battle to come back to the living.

This is the happiness I talk about.

Not the boxed in version we have been given when we were born.

Maybe our version of happiness after loss has to do with the moon and dancing under it.

Maybe tonight you will find your own moon and dance…dance like no one is watching.

I did.

With life,

Christina

PS. Give the gift of life to the people in your life: www.secondfirsts.com/book

Comments

  1. Dear Christina,

    I really did a double-take when I read this story first in my email, about dancing under the moon! Because that is what God has shown me to do, as well, as part of my healing from grief! And I saw so many other people dancing with me, even though they were not physically present. I can very much relate to your story here – thanks!

  2. Thank you. Your words are all so true for me also. I am walking out of the waiting room.. But sometimes still stuck or go back to hide and catch my breath. I MISS MY DAUGHTER every second of every day. She died 3 years ago. She was only 32. She was the mother of a new born when she was told she had advanced breast cancer. She lived for two years and had many complications. She was a powerhouse of life. Right until the end. I have been searching for someone like you to help me learn to get better. Tears start to flow and I feel like I want to zone out. My girl is gone. I hate it. I hate it…I want her back and that is not possible. I am so sad and want it to stop. It serves no purpose. I will get better….I am already better….it will take time and will never be totally gone…..Just different, like me. Peace from, Lisa’s Mommie

  3. My Love
    My mirror
    My angel
    Who has been
    Quietly dropping
    Your bell whistles before me
    To hear
    Nothing more
    But a morsel
    Saying, you got this
    Come
    Keep moving
    When I fall you wait
    Whisper, get up
    You got this….

    Tonight, without realizing
    I accepted the Dance
    From the Moon

    I danced, even if the dance was
    Shy
    And more on the inside
    I found the song that
    Woke my heart’s
    Rhythm up

    Here is to US
    Here is to Stay’ing
    To Dance

    I love you Chrsitina

    xo

  4. So profound, so true. When my husband died, I thought that I died too. That life as I knew it to be was no more. I wondered in that moment, that day how would I make it. We have 2 young children, I can’t take care of them myself. It’s almost a year since I lost him, and though the mental anguish is ever so present, the 3 of us have managed to make it one day at a time. I can’t say that I have danced with the moon yet, but I am on the dance floor and i am confident that I’ll be dancing too.

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Christina Rasmussen

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